And to All a Good Knight

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And to All a Good Knight is an episode of Transformers: Renegade Rhetoric described on the Renegade Rhetoric Facebook page.

Source Text

The following was posted on Facebook on December 25, 2016.

Dear Cy-Kill, Do you ever give your comrades time off? Like for the holidays, for example?

Cy-Kill: Bah humbug! We have no use for your feeble human holidays. In fact, one of my most humiliating defeats was on December 25th. It began with the appearance of a shooting star in Earth's skies--when the Guardians detected it, that simpering Scooter thought it was Santa's sleigh, but in reality, it was a meteorite rich in sorium. Those of you with long memories may recall that I previously used this element to power my pulsar generator, with which I enslaved the minds of every human on Earth, and the chance to obtain a new supply was too good to pass up. I took Cop-Tur and Screw Head to the meteorite's impact site at the North Pole, but as Screw Head set about the work of drilling the sorium ore out of the rock, Leader-1 arrived with Turbo and Good Knight--an envoy from the Gobotron security council who Astro-Beamed to Earth upon learning of the meteorite's discovery--to interfere with my plans. We attempted to protect the meteorite, but Good Knight succeeded in blowing it to atoms. All we were left with were a few motes of sorium clinging to Screw Head's drill, but as we retreated, Cop-Tur attempted to console me. “Cheer up, Cy-Kill,” he drawled, “Maybe Santa can bring you some more for Christmas!” I, of course, responded with my customary patience and kindness: “Don't be an iiiidiot, Cop-Tur!” But then it occurred to me, perhaps I could use that human fairy tale for my own ends.

Using the few tiny specks of sorium we had obtained, Doctor Go fashioned a miniature, hand-held version of my old pulsar generator which could be used to brainwash individuals--not the worldwide effect I had hoped to recreate, but perfect for my new scheme! Using this device, we rounded up a collection of humans to serve as my own little army of “elves,” put to work mass-producing a special Renegade gift... special circuit boards that, positioned at key co-ordinates around the Earth, would collectively generate an anti-Guardian field that would make the Earth a Renegade paradise forever! And how better to distribute these precious devices without the Guardians noticing than by taking advantage of the season... and using our portable pulsar generator to brainwash Mall Santas into giving them out as gifts to unsuspecting children all around the planet! Cop-Tur was perplexed, of course, having always understood there to be only ONE Santa. As ever, I felt surrounded by nincompoops.

The plan seemed foolproof, but one hitch soon appeared: those miserable Guardians were doing some seasonal charity work, and Scooter was playing the role of Santa Claus in a New York mall, with Nick and AJ dressed up as his elves! Good Knight was serving as security for the event, even though the upper-class twit didn't see the point of the holiday and thought Scooter was wasting his time. Realizing that Scooter's sensors would detect the anti-Guardian circuit boards hidden within the gifts if we merely tried to smuggle them in, it fell to me to make the ultimate sacrifice of dignity in the name of the glorious Renegade cause. After Cop-Tur and Screw Head ambushed and knocked out Good Knight, we grabbed Scooter while he was taking a break, tied him up, and stripped him of his costume so I could don it, take his place, and hand out the presents myself. I must say, my performance was impeccable--those two human nitwits never even suspected I wasn't that pathetic little shrimp! The experience was one I would rather forget, having to have.... children.... sitting on my lap, demanding this and that, getting their sticky fingers all over me... uuugh.

With all the circuit boards distributed, we withdrew to Thruster in Earth orbit with the captive Scooter and Good Knight to prepare for Christmas morning. Things went wrong, however, when I assigned Cop-Tur to guard the pair's cell, and Good Knight used what he had learned about Christmas to spin him a tale of Santa Claus, and how he only brings gifts to GOOD children and GoBots. Alarmed, Cop-Tur suggested that he let them go--but only if they didn't tell me, of course--hoping to balance the cosmic scales enough to ensure a present from the fat old elf the next morning. The two wretched Guardians agreed, and Cop-Tur unlocked their cell and looked the other way as they made themselves scarce. Good Knight marveled at the magic of Christmas and the sway it could hold over even a Renegade!

A short time later, as Scooter and Good Knight escaped Thruster, I observed their departure on a monitor screen with my usual calm, collected attitude. It mattered little; with Christmas morning about to dawn, it was too late for them to do anything to stop me now. Eager to see Leader-1's face when the agony of my anti-Guardian field sprang up, I launched an assault on the Christmas tree in Rockefeller Center. We had a few minutes of pointless but entertaining destruction, just to draw the Guardians out, and then I pulled out the activator and pressed the button... and immediately was filled with spasms of pain! Before leaving Thruster, Scooter had reversed the polarity of my circuit board control, creating an Anti-Renegade field! I frantically commanded Cop-Tur to self-destruct the circuit boards, which he did, and we flew away, cursing Leader-1's name. “Merry Christmas, Cy-Kill!” he called after me, prompting Scooter to pat his friend and savior on the back and add “And to all, a Good Knight!”

Back on Thruster, we were surprised to find wrapped gifts waiting for us. How they got there, I'll never know... but while Cop-Tur seemed happy with his new rotor blade, all I found in the box addressed to me was a lump of coal!

Notes

• Writer Jim Sorenson thanked Chris McFeely for co-writing this stoy and Christopher Colgin for his art.